2.21 Disappointed

Allie

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“Here’s your scone, coffee will be coming right up!”

I thanked the barista and sat down at a little table with mom. She’d been helping me out with a ton of wedding stuff. Today, we’d gone over flower arrangements, music playlists and, the most exciting part, the dress. I was pretty sure I’d found the dress, but I wanted to see it one more time before making my final decision.

“So, is Phil already getting nervous for the wedding?” mom asked.

 

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“I think he’s mainly just excited,” I answered. “He doesn’t care much about all the flowers and other frills, but he’s been working on his vows for weeks. It’s so intimidating, I can hardly get any words on paper and he’ll probably write me a Shakespearean love sonnet!”

Mom laughed. “It’ll be fine, honey. You’ll figure out what to say. When you love someone so much, it’s not something words can ever truly capture, anyway.”

I smiled. She was right, of course.

We chatted about wedding stuff for a while, and then about my new job. I’d been working at the lab for about three months now and was really enjoying it. It was a nice challenge and a welcome distraction from more personal stuff I’d been worrying about.

 

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Of course, mom quickly touched on those worries, as well.

“So…” she started carefully, “I don’t want to pry too much… but you guys are still, you know, trying?” She shot a meaningful look at my stomach, which was only a bit swollen because of the cake-testing earlier today. I sighed.

“We are,” I said, sadly. “But so far, nothing…” Mom started to say something, but I quickly interrupted her. “I know, I know. We’ve only been engaged for a few months, we’re still young, these things can take up to a year even if there are no complications, blah blah. I know all that. But I’m still disappointed every time that test comes up negative.”

 

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Mom gave me a compassionate smile. “I understand, baby. When we were trying for Enzo, even one month seemed to feel like a year. But you have to be a little patient. These things happen when the time is right. You can’t force it. And stressing yourself out about it, will only make it harder.”

“You’re right. I just want to be a mom so badly. I don’t think I realized how much I wanted it until we started trying…”

Mom pushed the rest of her scone toward me and I obediently ate it. “You will be, Allie. You will be the best mom in the world. When the time is right for you and Phil, you’ll be amazing parents.”

I smiled, somewhat cheered up.

 

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The rest of the afternoon we spent in the coffeeshop, talking over more wedding details and carefully avoiding the subject of babies.

 

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But in the bathroom that night, while Phil was already sleepily in bed, I couldn’t help but linger in front of the mirror for a while. I turned sideways, trying to imagine myself with a big belly and a baby on my arm. It was what I’d always known I’d wanted, and now that I was in a position where having a child would be a realistic and logical next step, I couldn’t wait for a little bundle of joy.

 

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How wonderful would that be – a miniature version of me and the man I loved more than anything? But somewhere, deep in my stomach, I felt a lingering sense of worry. What if my dream to become a mother wouldn’t come true so easily?

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