I loved my daughter more than anything. Honestly, I did, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I felt a love that I couldn’t have thought was possible. But it was definitely a big adjustment, and sometimes, I felt jealous that Matt seemed to have a much easier time with it than I did.
He was a wonderful father, and looking at him feeding her made me so happy and all warm and fuzzy inside.
But my boss expected me back at work at 9 am, sharp. My mornings were chaotic, filled with feeding the baby, prepping her bottles for Matt, getting myself ready and getting to work on time. Matt got to wake up around 10, have a quiet breakfast and play with Allie for most of the day.
Most days, he was getting ready to leave for work just as I walked in, exhausted. That was also the exact moment that Allie decided she was hungry, wet, or just fussy. That didn’t leave much time for me to work on my own art, which my boss wasn’t paying any attention to anyway. As long as I safely drove his paintings to the gallery, he couldn’t care less about my own ambitions.
Matt was doing much better at work, and often stayed late, playing shows in local bars or helping the band clean up. I was happy for him, and very proud, but that also meant that basically all of Allie’s night-time feedings or diaper changes were my responsibility. As much as I loved her, I was becoming pretty tired.
Luckily, we had something to look forward to. Our wedding was coming up quickly. We had nothing special planned, just a nice ceremony with the two of us in a pretty location. But I was still really excited for it.
Matt had actually emailed his dad a few times, inviting him to the wedding, but no response. I felt really bad for him. He didn’t want to admit it to me, but I knew it was bothering him a lot.
The night before our wedding was one of the rare moments Matt and I had for just the two of us. Allie was down for the evening, I’d had a nice bubble bath and put on the softest robe I had. I was nervous, too nervous to sleep.
Matt came downstairs. “She’s out like a light,” he said, before he sat down next to me. “So… Are you excited for tomorrow?” I grinned at him. He smiled, but not quite convincingly enough. “Of course I am, baby. How couldn’t I be?”
I studies his face for a while, but it was pretty obvious what was bothering him.
“Are you still upset that your dad isn’t coming?”
He shrugged. “I guess. I know I shouldn’t be, but it just bothers me so much. Can’t he be happy for me, ever?”
I grabbed his hand.
“It will be okay, sweetheart. You never know. He might show up.” “I doubt it,” scoffed Matt. He looked at my face and this time, a genuine smile broke through.
“But as long as you show up, I’ll be happier than ever.”